Tara

What an afternoon. I get come, after a really good weekend, to find that I have a letter from the QLD State Archives. I open it, only to read, "We do not hold medical or school records" - yet another disappointment. Am I ever gonna find my mum? It seems highly unlikely. Am I asking too much? Is it too much to know my mother, who I've never even met? Is it too much for me to be happy until I find her? maybe. Why do I even let myself feel like this. Why do I even care about the disappointments. Maybe it's just not part of God's plan for me to find her. God knows best, right? God has everything under control, right? Then why doesn't it feel like that. Why don't I want him to take control. Why is he just sitting back whilst all this is happening. Why do I feel as though God might not want me to find her? That it might not be a part of his plan? I've said from the start that I only want what God wants, but do I? Or is that just a coverup, so that people think that I'm more faithful than I really am? So that people think I'm fine when I'm not? I've even fooled my own psychologist.
Am I really that screwed up? Will I ever be fine?

Lastnight, I had this freaky dream, and it's not the first that I've had like it... I dreamt that I was at church, and I was upstairs with the toddlers and young kids. Everything was going well with the church service and everything, until this man appeared. I know it was just a dream, but I will never forget this guys face. The next thing, before I knew it, there were small bombs going off, and then fires, and then, guns... Watching from the toddlers room, I had to quickly duck as shots were fired.. Outside, it was a war zone. In the room that I was in upstairs, everyone ended up being safe. There was a chick sitting beside me, firing shots out the window towards the enemy. From the inside, you could see everything happening outside, through the glass windows. It was just so freaky.
It isn't the first dream I've had like this. I had a dream a couple of months ago, that I was in church, sitting next to a friend, and she said "I can't sit here".. and she walked off, so I ran after her. Next thing you know, a bomb went off, and the church hall blew up!
I can't explain this, I can't explain any of my dreams, but I wish I could, because they're really starting to freak me out...